So, over the last several hours, I’ve been trying to structure a course of action into my life. One where I have lists, boxes to check so I feel satisfied when I finish a task, and organizing my life into a series of lines that are short, sweet, and to the point. One where I spend a couple hours making a resume and typing an essay of a challenge I concurred in my life. Honestly, it feels weird to me. I grew up with more “on the fly” thinking then things were scheduled. For example, my choir career in high school. Our teachers were blessings, having done a majority of the work involved behind the scenes; researching, planning, reserving, selecting scores to play and conduct, and include all the little things that may have gone unnoticed! As well as practicing with us so we were singing the right note, in the right key, at the right time, with correct diction and tone! Oh how I miss choir, for the love of us singing beautiful pieces together, being led by our amazing teachers!
Compare that to my own personal life back then, I loved doing things on the fly! I was able to do a little of a lot with any short time I had. I was able to see everyone and do multiple things, but only for a short amount of time. Even then, I cherished all those moments, because it was all I had.
What brought all this up was the essay I was typing earlier today. The topic was; “Tell us about a time in your life when you overcame a challenge and what personal growth you experienced as a result.” Stellar! I was exceptionally excited to talk about one of multiple situations that God had provided through my life.. But then the memories came back. (First of all, I should state that I am a very loving person, I take things to heart, and I never forget a majority of things. My love languages are Physical Touch, along with a tie of Words of Affirmation. Also, I did not give my struggles to God at this point in my life, so it all just clung to my head and my heart.)
The memories of struggling with providing for my family alongside my mom, trying to help out our situation on top of being full time student with a full time job. So, here I am, visiting a time in my past, vividly remembering everything that occurred, and I start to tear up, thinking “Thank you Jesus!” I never saw God during those times, or at least, the way He was working with us then. I remembered being so angry with the world, with people, my judgement was clouded by false truths, a false “love”, and emotionally, I was very unstable! But God had revealed to me how He was working through my life back then, and I cried! (Crying is such a beautiful thing.) Tears of joy and release as I thank the Lord for all the magnificent things He’s done and continues to do for me.
I think about how asinine I have been over the course of these two years since I’ve given my life to Christ, and how recently, I feel the closest to Him than I have ever been! I don’t want this to ever go away. Constantly, I remind myself of whether I am going to intentionally choose Christ over my flesh, having a tough emotional battle to coincide with the lies Satan tries to throw inside my head, or am I going to give into my shadows and be consumed by what I know to be false? Here lately, I’ve been in more pain, but God is so much more than giving into the shadows that call my name, scratching and crawling towards me to bring me back, as they call “home”. But I am most certainly not of that world, nor of this one! God has created me, not the shadows! “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” (Psalm 139:13-14 ESV)
My encouragement to you; to ask yourselves questions constantly! Not just the easy ones either, but the difficult ones. “How does this glorify God?” “What is blocking me from my relationship from God?” “How do I interact with God daily?” Discern from what the devil is telling you, and be intentional about your relationships with God! Don’t try to be like the other Christians, because we are of the same body, but different parts of that same body! Be true, be vulnerable, be transparent and honest. Now the question is, Have I been vulnerable?