I’m angry. I hate feeling hatred towards myself. I hate the thoughts that I have, the temptations that I face, the emotional destruction that happens when I’m on the verge of sinning! They say that “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” How is that? I’m not saying that He doesn’t, I just have no clue as to how that came up. I haven’t looked through Scripture enough thoroughly, or searched it up, or asked a theologian. But if God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, how do we grow??? If God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, how will we know that we are trusting Him? If God doesn’t put us through difficulty, why would we trust in Him and give Him glory, if it’s “not more than we can handle”? Everything God does is for His glory! He sent His Son to save a lost humanity, that we might have a relationship with Him again!
What if secretly, deep down in my being, I want to stay a sinner so God can continue saving me? Is that a struggling thought for anyone else? Seriously though, “for Christ died while we were still sinners” (Romans 5:8). What if for some awful reason, I don’t want to move on to the next phase of my relationship with God because I think that perhaps He won’t love me the same? How odd is this?
But then I’m at a stand still. Sure, I am able to spread my testimony over and over again about how “I’m mediocre at my relationship with God because I do “good” for a while with not sinning, but then somehow, I just sin, so then I hate myself for sinning.” Who would believe this? Why would this reap the harvest?
But, that is the realization, isn’t it? That I am angry with myself, and hate myself for sinning. Yet, God still loves me. Oh yes sir and madam, this is the true battle. How am I responding? Do I trust God more than I trust myself? Apparently not! I go straight to myself and start hating me for disobeying God or telling myself I’m not loving God enough. There isn’t space to have a thought for God because I instantly think He doesn’t love me anymore.
For while I was sinning, Christ still died for me! For while I sinned, Christ still loved me. I see what else I need to surrender. Normally, I would say “I need to remove my temptations.” But I didn’t die on a cross for me. My deepest worldly desires didn’t die on a cross to be raised three days later, conquer death, and rose from the dead to then ascend to the Father, and bless us with the Holy Spirit! JESUS CHRIST is the one to have glorified the FATHER in this matter! Why do I not heed to His word, and OBEY?!?! What is holding me back?! It’s me! Its always been me.. I need to surrender me, that I cannot hate myself while God loves me! I am His and He is mine!
We need to be at the foot of the cross, bowing down, realizing that we are all broken people, in need of a Savior. We need to stop clinging to our idols, destroy them, and come to the truth that it;s God, and God alone that can save us. We cannot do it on our own! We need to love one another, admonish our brothers and sisters, and help each other to the cross, so Jesus may take our shame, our guilt, our idols, our false prophets, our wants to the cross and die to ourselves, being reborn with Jesus. What’s stopping us?