I hate these thoughts. I hate the fact that I can just sit here and cry, thinking that my family doesn’t know the love of Christ like I do! I sit here thinking about all the things I just want them to see, what I want them to believe. I know my family is in pain, and I want them to see the joy in it that I see through the eyes of Christ! I don’t want them to keep hurting and wallowing in their pain, but to give everything over the the Lord Jesus Christ and be relieved! To be replenished! And I sit here crying, praying to God that He softens their hearts to see Him in any way, or that a major change happens so they will seek Him. My heart hurts, looking past watery eyes as I type these words to just vent.

God please. I desire them to know you. I just want them to know you Father! To see you! To water any seeds within them and help them grow! I want them to stop their numbing because it isn’t satisfying! You’re the only thing that can truly and eternally satisfy, take away their pain, help them to see the joy that you bring, even through tough times! Dad, I hate sitting here thinking that they don’t know you. My heart shatters, breaks, tears, rips, shreds that they tell me they only do the church thing because I’m there! That’s not how this works man! I can only do so much! I’m not Jesus. I’m only Jesup. I’m more than just only letter off from Jesus. I’m broken, still trying to find you in daily life, to keep choosing joy! My tears Dad, they feel so painful, but I take joy in the fact that this pain is finally leaving me! I give this to you God. Please take this pain away from me, let it make room for your joy, love, and peace! Give me strength to continue Your work. Dad, I just, I just want them to know you Dad! Father! Son! Spirit! Please oh please! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! It’s got to be their choice! Help them see You in me! Please Oh God! Please! I just want them to have peace in You! Their soul’s on the line man! The way I feel about my family God, help me desire this for everyone I come into contact with! Whether it may be for a few seconds, I desire to love them as You see them! God please!!! Everyday is a day to spread your Love! I give you my Life Father. Please, help them see You! Soften their hearts! Oh God please. Oh please God! My vivid imagination is a foothold for Satan, and he’s putting in these thoughts of Heaven without my family there! I’m breaking down God, but I know it’s not true! No matter how real it may seem in my head, how clearly I see that my friends and family aren’t there with me in heaven, that’s not what I need them to know you for! This isn’t about me, it’s never been about me, it’s always been about You Father! Leave me Satan! Be gone! In the name of Jesus Christ, You’re a filthy liar! God this emotional battle hurts God! But it’s finally leaving! This is for you God! You’re removing my pain! It hurts now, that doesn’t mean I’m not singing your praises God! Cause You’re a good good Father God! It’s who you are. And I’m loved by you, it;s who I am. You’re perfect, in all of your way. All of your way God are perfect! God man, please, I just want them to..I just..I just need them to know you, for you! I need help discerning that it’s not for my sake but Yours! As much as I want to go to heaven together, that’s not for Your Glory! That can’t be the major reason that they know you! They need you,  but they just don’t see it! And I want them to, so badly God! Please. Take, take their hearts God, and soften them, help them see you. Help them find you. Help them desire you God! Please OH please oh please Father! Take away their pain, turn them around! Please?! [I hate these thoughts, that Satan puts in my head, that I’m not strong enough to handle, to see this whole false reality of my Mom passing and her relationship with you hadn’t change, I’m scared to think of where she’d be, but God you know her heart! I hate when Satan, puts in my head that my dad and I are talking, and he badmouths my Mom, and how I tell him to not talk about her like that, because that’s my mom. And Satan has the audacity to have me think that my dad and I would get into a fight, that I’d be so angry to hurt the man I call MY DAD!] Satan, get away from me. GET BEHIND ME SATAN, IN JESUS CHRIST NAME!!!!!!! My siblings. Gosh their so beautiful. They’re my brothers and sisters. They’re mine man! God has blessed me beyond belief, and  I desire them to know you to God! They have so much potential, so many good things could come to your Kingdom God, if they only knew you and chased after you the way that I have been trying to! Oh God please, send them a sign! Anything to guide them, direct them to see you and your amazing love Father! That’s all I want. At least, all I’m trying to want! For your Glory Father, always and forever. And my friends man! All the pain I see on their faces, all the Jesup hugs that I pass around just to relieve them for even a second, that’s a gift by You Father! I desire them to be satisfied with you to! They need you just as much as I need you! There is more to life than just our most prized objects, there’s so much more to desire, to experience, to do, to serve, to see, all for your Glory God! I want them to see there is so much more to life than a relationship, possessions, statuses, things. These things will pass, but you never will God! Please, open their hearts to see you, soften their hearts to have seeds come into their life, so that you may water and grow them!

I love them. I cherish them. I adore them. I admire them. Please God, you know our hearts. Help us desire after you! Help us be lights for your Kingdom. Help us be satisfied with you Father. Thank you, for listening God. Thanks for letting me cry, blow my nose, several times, and letting my heart be in pain, for your Glory, for I consider it joy, because now I have more room for your characteristics Father! In your Holy and Precious name, Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen

*Anything between [] is a false reality, it didn’t actually happen. Just to clarify, if anyone actually read this.