Honestly, I’m in so much pain. Emotional pain. But, the joy of the Lord is my strength, even though it’s difficult for me to choose His joy over my happiness, I need His fulfillment over my “contentment”.
Seasons change, and my favorite has been coming around the corner! She’s fallen already, and she’s absolutely lovely! I’m, of course, talking about Winter and Snow. Brings me such joy, and I need joy! Because as seasons change, as does the depression I face every day, as it gets a new “strength” to combat me. Every morning, every Bed Battle happens, but now it’s myself versus an army of Goliaths, constantly. It hurts, because I hardly know and understand my emotions as it is, yet, I’m joyful.
“What?! Why?!” I’m reminded that I’m weak and broken, and in need of a Savior, and constant prayer, and considering it joy in all things! Yeah, I’m so confused about my pain, my emotions, what I’m feeling! My best explanation for it is
“I’ve finally left the locked room in my mind, and am traveling through my head, my labyrinth, because I locked myself in to protect myself. While doing so, I still grew, but I didn’t know what had changed. Now that I’m out, I’m either re-discovering me, or experiencing a new piece of me that I have never seen before!”
I’m not used to my own emotions and feelings and thoughts. BUT GOD, is such a loving Father! He’s guided and pointed me in a direction, that normally, my flesh, my haunting past, they tell me to turn around and “RUN! Run away, just like Pedro.” Honestly homies, I stood outside, my car turned on, and almost went for a drive to anywhere but here. I wanted to run away, because that’s all my life’s ever been. Not this time. Not any time after here. Not again. I’m supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be in pain, to be broken. God can fix and rebuild me, strengthen me, mold me, fill me with His Spirit. I looked up, fell to my knees, and beat my car.. Because I did not and was not going to leave! My strength, are the many blessings God’s given me. My Mom Jerolyn, My Dad Chuck, My Step Mom Angie, My Siblings Chris, Devon, Jordan, Lilly, and Hailie, My Closest Friends. They are my light that never goes out! Empowered and entwined in my being to go on, because God is calling me through pain I need to re-experience, or experience for the first time, so He can take my pain, and turn it to Joy. To take my weaknesses, and turn them into strengths. I’m running, most definitely. But not away.. Towards the Pain. I’m ready, because it’s time for His change. I’m ready, because He’s always ready. Yeah, I’m in pain, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t joy to be seen! I’ve called upon Him, and He came for me! (Psalm 50:15)
Always and Forever,